Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
